So today, I turn 40. Yes, I’m not going to hide from it – I’m proud that I’ve reached this age with the wisdom and confidence that I have (although I could really do with less on the grey hair front – really, after 15 years of going grey, it’s now quite ridiculous).
Of course, it’s quite easy to admit to being 40 when you KNOW the response you’ll get is ‘You can’t be, you don’t look that old…’
Anyhoo, Nicole at 40 is quite a different animal to how she’s been at any other point in her life. For starters, she’s a contracted writer and is living her dream of being a professional novellist. But more than that is the fact that finally, I’ve come to a centred and strong place within myself. Sure, I’ve had bouts of self-confidence in the past, but they proved to be a passing fad and were soon overcome by the ongoing track in my mind – you’re useless, you’re worthless, why bother?
Nowadays, that track has to be played really loud to be heard, and even when it is heard it doesn’t really take – I can generally shrug it off in a day or so.
The interesting thing has been discovering all the ways this worldview has impacted on my life, and my behaviour. It’s not just about saying things to put myself down – it was in things such as putting other people’s needs and desires always before my own, not because I was a nice person as I told myself but because I didn’t believe I was worth considering. I was always the one who volunteered to do things at work or socially, not because I wanted to learn new skills or test myself or do my fair share but because I thought if I was nice and did nice things for people all the time, they’d do nice things for me. Turns out the world doesn’t work that way.
At the moment, I’m struggling with the balance between ensuring that your needs are met, as well as being a considerate and caring person. Some days I do good, some days I fall back into bad habits but at least I’m aware of what I’m doing when I do those things (eg say yes to an extra shift without thinking through the consequences) and slowly, I’m getting into the idea that no isn’t a bad word.
Best thing of all is how much I am looking forward to what will happen in my life – I want things to be good, I want to have the best life I can have and I’m ready to push myself to be everything I’m capable of being. I guess I’m now living with a sense of purpose, which is always a good thing.
So, roll on the next 40 years.